Meanwhile… Josh Brolin’s Butthole Is Sunburned

Meanwhile… Josh Brolin’s Butthole Is Sunburned


>>STEPHEN: HEY, EVERYBODY. GIVE IT UP FOR JON BATISTE AND
“STAY HUMAN” RIGHT THERE! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT’S GOOD TO BE BACK FROM THE COMMERCIAL BREAK. I KNOW WE’VE GOT TO PAY BILLS,
BUT I MISS NOT BEING ON TV WHILE WE’RE ON THE COMMERCIAL BREAK. I GET LONELY.>>Jon: WE DISAPPEAR ON THAT
BREAK.>>Stephen: WE DON’T EXIST FOR
THOSE THREE MINUTES.>>Jon: RIGHT, AND THEN WE
COME BACK, YEAH.>>Stephen: I TELL YOU ANOTHER
REASON I AM SO EAGER TO GET TO TONIGHT’S GUEST. TONIGHT WE HAVE THE ONE, THE
ONLY, THE GREAT, THE TALENTED SCARLETT JOHANSSON IS GOING TO
BE OUT HERE IN JUST A MOMENT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Jon: INCREDIBLE.>>Stephen: AND TONIGHT, DON’T
GO NOWHERE, WE HAVE A PERFORMANCE BY THE WEEKND COMING
UP IN TONIGHT’S SHOW. AN INCREDIBLE PERFORMANCE.>>Jon: YEAH, AMAZING, GOING
TO BE GREAT.>>Stephen: YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I
SPEND A LOT OF TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, BUNCHING MYSELF OFF
THE NEWS HIGH DIVE, PIKING INTO A JACKNIFE, TUCKING MY SHOULDER
AT EXACTLY THE RIGHT MOMENT TO EXECUTE THE PERFECT TEN-POINT
DIVE THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, I LIKE TO YANK ON
MY WATER WINGS, TAKE A SWIG OF ROLLING ROCK, AND BELLY FLOP
INTO THE DIRTY BABY POOL OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT —
>>”MEANWHILE!” ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THIS IS AN ALTERNATIVE ENERGY SOURCE, “MEANWHILE!” PEOPLE LOVE
IT. MEANWHILE, THE INTERNET IS ANGRY
OVER THE NEW HOLIDAY AD FOR THE PELOTON EXERCISE BIKE. IDEAL FOR ANYONE WHO’S LOOKED AT
A REGULAR BIKE AND SAID “I WISH THIS DIDN’T GO ANYWHERE AND
COULD SCREAM AT ME.” ( LAUGHTER )
THE AD IS TAKING A LOT OF HEAT FOR BEING BOTH UNREALISTIC AND
SEXIST BY SHOWING A HUSBAND BUYING EXERCISE EQUIPMENT FOR
HIS ALREADY VERY FIT WIFE. JIM?>>OKAY, YOU READY? NOW!>>A PELETON? ALL RIGHT, FIRST RIDE. I’M A LITTLE NERVOUS, BUT
EXCITED. LET’S DO THIS. 6:00 A.M., YAY. THAT WAS TOTALLY WORTH IT. A YEAR AGO, I DIDN’T REALIZE HOW
MUCH THIS WOULD CHANGE ME. THANK YOU.>>THIS HOLIDAY, GIVE THE GIFT
OF PELETON.>>STEPHEN: WELL, I AM SHOCKED. YOUR HUSBAND BOUGHT YOU A $2,200
PELOTON, AND YOUR CHRISTMAS GIFT TO HIM WAS ONE OF YOUR INSTA
STORIES? ( LAUGHTER )
PLUS, YOU PUT IT RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE BEST WINDOW IN THE HOUSE! THAT’S WHY WE DON’T HAVE ROOM
FOR A POOL TABLE, JANET! ( LAUGHTER )
WELL, THE INTERNET WAS SO SHOCKED THAT THERE WAS SEXISM IN
ADVERTISING, THAT PELOTON “SAW A 9% DROP IN THEIR STOCK, COSTING
THE COMPANY NEARLY BILLION DOLLARS.” THAT’S OKAY, PELOTON. YOU GOT THIS! STAY WITH ME! I’M NOT LEAVING YOU BEHIND! OKAY? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
COME ON! YOU CAN DO IT! “DEFEAT” IS JUST ANOTHER WORD
FOR “YESTERDAY!” “FAILURE” IS NOT IN YOUR
VOCABULARY! AND, FOR NOW, NEITHER IS “PROFIT
MARGIN.” WHOO! OKAY. OKAY. NOW, HYDRATE! GOOD SESH! GOOD SESH. NOW GIVE THE KNOB A HALF-TWIST
TILL THE BLOOD IS CUT OFF FROM THE SKULL OF WHOEVER CAME UP
WITH THAT AD CAMPAIGN. ( LAUGHTER )
MEANWHILE, A DRUG SMUGGLER IN ARGENTINA WAS BUSTED WITH NINE
POUNDS OF WEED IN A FAKE BABY BUMP. AUTHORITIES ALSO SEIZED A COPY
OF THE POPULAR BOOK, “WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU’RE EXPECTING
NINE POUNDS OF WEED.” ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERING )
SUCH A VITAL BOOK, SUCH A VITAL BOOK. MEANWHILE, “PINTEREST AND THE
KNOT, TWO OF THE COUNTRY’S —
MEANWHILE, A WORLD WAR II VETERAN WHO CREDITS HIS
LONGEVITY TO DAILY COORS LIGHT JUST TURNED 102.” IN OTHER WORDS, DRINK PLENTY OF
WATER. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
MEANWHILE, “JOSH BROLIN’S BUTTHOLE IS SUNBURNED AND HE’S
NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT.” ( LAUGHTER )
STARS, THEY’RE JUST LIKE US. ( LAUGHTER )
HE LOOKS HAPPIER THAN I THINK HE WOULD! HERE’S WHAT HAPPENED. BROLIN DECIDED TO TRY OUT THE
LATEST WELLNESS TREND CALLED “PERINEUM SUNNING.” NOW, “PERINEUM” IS THE
SCIENTIFIC TERM FOR A PART OF THE BODY THAT WE ALL USE A
DIFFERENT WORD FOR, BUT I’M NOT LEGALLY ALLOWED TO SAY THAT WORD
ON CBS. I CAN USE ONLY SCIENTIFIC TERMS. SO BELIEVE IT OR NOT, CBS
PREFERS THAT I SAY IT’S “THE AREA BETWEEN THE ANUS AND THE
SCROTUM OR VULVA.” YOU’RE WELCOME, VIACOM-CBS. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
HEY, THEM’S THE RULES. TAINT MY FAULT. TAINT MY PROBLEM. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) PROPONENTS OF PERINEUM SUNNING
CLAIM IT’S “DERIVED FROM AN ANCIENT TAOIST PRACTICE THAT
STRENGTHENS ONE’S ORGANS, INCREASES THEIR CREATIVITY,
REGULATES THEIR CIRCADIAN RHYTHM, AND IMPROVES THEIR
LIBIDO.” PLUS, REALLY KEEPS THE NEIGHBORS
AWAY. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) I’M GOING TO GUESS SCARES OFF
THE RACCOONS AS WELL. ( LAUGHTER )
I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE THINKING. YOU’RE THINKING, “THAT’S GREAT,
STEPHEN, JUST TELL US WHAT’S GOING ON WITH JOSH BROLIN’S BUTT
HOLE.” ( LAUGHTER )
THANK YOU FOR ASKING. WELL, AFTER HIS EXPERIMENT,
BROLIN TOOK TO INSTAGRAM AND WROTE, “MY PUCKER HOLE IS CRAZY
BURNED,” “I DON’T KNOW WHO THE (BLEEP) THOUGHT OF THIS STUPID
(BLEEP) BUT (BLEEP) YOU NONETHELESS. SERIOUSLY.” JOSH! JOSH! COME ON, MAN! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) ARE YOU ACTUALLY BLAMING SOMEONE
ELSE FOR YOU SUNBURNING YOUR ANUS? OF COURSE IT’S DUMB! YOU LITERALLY LET THE SUN SHINE
“WHERE THE SUN DON’T SHINE.” ( LAUGHTER )
THAT’S ON YOU, BROTHER WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK…